i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
