Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
