I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
