I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
God I need to hump something, right now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
