They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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