saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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