Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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