the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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