you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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