he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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