he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
