you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
