just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
