so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
