I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
