MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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