why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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