I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
