and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Bring me that man meat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
