Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
