Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
