Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
