Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
