I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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