look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
