I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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