Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
