i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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