did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
