Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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