She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
