you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
