Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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