did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
