I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
