Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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