just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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