yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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