I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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