god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
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You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃