I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.