Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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