**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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