I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
