Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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