i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
