i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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