Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
