My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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