Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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