Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
