i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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