High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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