Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't deserve a penis
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
