some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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