i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Enjoy the penises
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
