There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
