Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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