sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
