I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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