Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
