i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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