ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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